The Trap of Comfort

It was tipping--there was no stopping it now. Over the loud speaker, voices claimed the best plan of action was no plan of action. In Korean, they said "Stay put!" "Stay in your rooms!"

There was a student who dared to think differently and survey the situation for himself. He was on the deck, and he had a decision to make. He looked back to what he knew- the comfort of his room. And he looked ahead to the waves below. After all, the announcement had been made. Passengers were to stay still/ be in their rooms. He could be in denial of the hopelessness of the situation if he returned there. Blessed denial. He wouldn't have to confront his future. He could live out the rest of his final moments in "comfort."

But what is comfort? It is denial and delusion. It is ultimately a trap. A very watery, very deathly trap.

This young man decided to do something bold--disregard the announcement and take a plunge into the water. He chose life. I am sure being in the water had its scary moments, and maybe he even struggled to get to shore. But ultimately, he chose life and a future for himself.

When sin came into the world, the ship started sinking. And it is sinking so slowly that if we are not careful, we may not even notice. Voices tell us that we may or may not be sinking, but either way it is best to just stay put and do what is comfortable, what is familiar, what pleases us. And it is important to note that perspective is the whole key. If we don't see the ship as sinking, then it is absolutely ridiculous to plunge ourselves into the ocean. It appears nonsensical. But if we have the right perspective, it is the most sane and necessary choice we could make!

Like the young man, we are left with a choice. Do we embrace the trap of comfort? Or do we take the plunge into the unknown and surrender to God's plan? God has called us to better things. He has called us to LIVE.

We may get wet, and we may have to tread water. We may wish we were back on the ship at times. But God will not leave us alone in the water. He will rescue us from the waves. We will not drown. We will overcome. And we will live in the fullness to which we have been called.


[From the events of the South Korean ferry incident of April 15, 2014 and a sermon preached by Mark Boucher on April 18, 2014]

As You Change My Desires

Something I have learned- desires directly impact habits. Now, I have gone through many attempts at habit-changing in my 24 years of life. And as I've stated, those habits came from desires. There were desires I had that I wished I didn't. Desires to escape from reality, desires to handle stress in my own way, desires to serve myself. For example, I desired to escape and de-stress from real-life situations which led to an addiction to media. I couldn't bear silence. And then there were desires I wished I had, but didn't. Like my longing to desire (yes, I desired to desire) to love God and see people brought into His kingdom. I couldn't figure out how to love God and others. It seemed like grasping at straws.

Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." And I always interpreted that as--He will reward my desires. But that wasn't the meaning at all. It meant this: As you delight more and more in Who God is and accept His all-consuming love and let it radically change your life, you will be given a new heart and with it new desires.

For example, I never wanted to go to Africa. In fact, I told God I would go anywhere in the world but Africa. And I knew that I wasn't supposed to say never to God. My mom said she would never marry a pastor, and look where she ended up. But I attempted to trick God by saying, "Well you wouldn't make me go to Africa, because You give us the desires of our hearts, right?" Well needless to say, God wasn't tricked in the least. ;) I went to Mozambique, and it ended up being the best decision of my life, and God radically changed me through my obedience to go there.

So, in conclusion, how do you change habits? Well it starts with desires. And even before that, it starts with God changing your desires. What a radical thought- that God could give us new desires to replace old ones!

These song lyrics really speak to me concerning this topic:
["Sweetness of Freedom"- Citizens]

Verse 1
Within my heart’s a rebellious side 
Conflicting with the Spirit’s desire 
To keep my heart in step with you 
So I do not do what I want to do

Verse 2
Only you have the power to break 
Every chain I placed around my neck 
I heard your call from the pit of death 
To surrender all and nothing less

Verse 3
Through the Spirit I have righteousness 
Sweet victory over the flesh
I can walk with confidence in you
As you gratify my soul with truth

Chorus
All my life I live to follow
You alone as you change my desires 
Liberated by the blood of Jesus
I’ve found life in the sweetness of freedom 

What You Gain

Losing weight. Spending less time watching TV. Fasting. Complaining less. These were all things I scribbled down as goals for this year. But if you notice- the focus is on what is being lost or sacrificed. Losing weight means you have to give up foods you like and give up time to exercise. Less TV means that you don't get to watch all the TV you'd really like to, and you have to develop other interests. Fasting means you have to deprive yourself of some kind of pleasure, whether it be food or otherwise. Less complaining means that you have to restrain yourself from saying the things you'd really like to say.

It just seems like so much sacrifice when you look at it like that. It feels like you're depriving yourself of so many enjoyable activities and experiences.

God really slapped me across the face with a shift of perspective this year. And He confirmed it through my Dad's sermon the very next Sunday. Yes, there are many sacrifices in life. And often times, there is a lot of loss involved in gain. But if we focus on what we are losing, then we will be more apt to think about those things and to give in to the temptation to keep doing them. It's like a smoker telling himself, "Don't smoke. Don't smoke. Don't smoke." Then he's thinking about smoking, and before he knows it, he has lit his next cigarette.

It's not about losing weight; it's about gaining a healthy lifestyle and feeling good about myself. And if I become lighter in the process, awesome. It's not about depriving myself of TV; it's about filling my life with fun activities that enrich my life. It's not about "fasting" per say; it's about spending quality time with God that I would normally be spending doing something else, such as eating or scrolling through Facebook. And it's not about complaining less; it's about choosing to speak positive, uplifting words into the lives of others.

So simple, but so profound. And isn't this lesson so in tune with Who God is. God has blessings to give us, not pleasures to take away from us. It's important to remember that the blessings far, far outweigh the sacrifices. Every time.

Just Cut off Its Head

Let's be honest. Sometimes the strangest things inspire us in huge ways. I've been sick for the last week, which has been quite an experience and lesson in and of itself. But that's not my main topic of discussion. While I was sick, I finally got around to re-watching the third movie in the LOTR trilogy--"The Return of the King." I hadn't watched it for a few years. I had a few LOTR marathons in college with different friends, but we never made it through the whole trilogy, unfortunately. Anyways, there was a scene that is only in the extended edition that, in the past, didn't stand out to me much. But seeing it now, after all the things I've realized about myself in the past years, really had an impact.

Here is the scene. Now, I have to warn you, it's kind of gross. There is some blood and beheading involved--but it's LOTR, remember. It's not that graphic.

"The Mouth of Sauron"

At this point, Sauron's troops outside of Mordor have been defeated (mostly due to the help of "Army of the Dead"--thank God for them!). However, Frodo & Sam have still not successfully destroyed the Ring in the fires of Mount Doom. So, Aragorn and his army decide to go to the Black Gate to create a diversion, hoping that the eye of Sauron will be fixed on them. This would give Frodo & Sam a greater chance of passing through Mordor unseen. In this scene, the Black Gate opens and "The Mouth of Sauron" (and a particularly disgusting mouth, at that) rides out from behind the gate and greets the army. He tells them that Frodo has died a painful death, and he shows them the Mithril that Frodo always wore for protection. You can see the reactions--hope was fading, Sauron's lies were being believed. It was devastating news--if he were right, they would not only have lost a good friend, but they would have lost everything. Sauron would have won. But I love what happens at the end of the scene. Aragorn rides up slowly to the enemy, and just cuts off his head while he is in mid-sentence. Just like that. And Aragorn states, "I cannot believe it. I will not."

Here is why that scene means something to me. There are so many lies that the Enemy tells us--"you are worthless," "you are not loved," "you have no purpose," "you have no valuable skills and are therefore dispensable." Or on the other side of things, "you are superior to the rest of humanity." Lies come in all shapes and sizes. I have realized over the past months and years just how many lies I allow to creep in and slowly destroy me...and my view of God. I can't believe the lies and the promises of God at the same time. Aragorn's faith in this scene inspires me. Even when he was shown proof that Frodo was most likely dead, he destroyed the lie immediately. The "Mouth of Sauron" only spoke for what...a minute and a half? Aragorn couldn't believe him, because his faith in Frodo and in their mission was so much greater. I want to be like that. I want my faith in God's promises to be so unswerving and steadfast that the lies that come my way seem so completely ridiculous and false.

So, I'm encouraging you and myself. The next time a lie comes your way (and study the TRUTH in God's Word so you can tell lies and truth apart!), don't let it keep talking. Just cut off its head. That doesn't mean that lie will never come back or that the battle against your flesh is won, but even a small victory is still a VICTORY. Remember that.

Harmony & Melody

I love to harmonize. It seriously gives me so much pleasure. When I'm harmonizing, I feel most like myself--completely free and perfectly content.

I've been recently obsessed with a band called Elenowen, a husband/wife (newlywed) folk duo. As I listen to the beauty of their songs and their stunning voices complete with melody & harmony, I can't help but wish I had a man in my life to sing the melody (preferably one who sounds like Josh Johnson!) to my harmony. 

Someday. Someday, my harmony and his melody will combine to make a beautiful song that will glorify the Creator.

"Cripple Me" by Elenowen.

Light Up the Sky

I am in the most uncertain time of my life so far. Up until now, I have always had something coming up next. After elementary school, junior high. Then high school. Then college. Of course there was unpredictability and adventure in those times, but I had a basic structure. Life was unpredictably predictable, in a sense. But now...after graduation? I don't know of anything that's definitely happening for the rest of my life. The only things I'm sure about are that I am going on vacation to California next week and that I will be a bridesmaid in my friend Tiffany's wedding in July. Other than that, the rest of my life is one giant question mark staring me in the face. My rough plan is to someday meet someone and fall in love for the first time, get married, go overseas, teach, have kids, etc. But what happens now...in this state of limbo? All those elements of my "rough plan" seem so very out of reach. For now, I may or may not be moving to Philadelphia. And I don't feel ready to teach yet, so I'm looking to work one-on-one with children with autism (as a TSS).

All in all, I've been feeling pretty alone and insecure about the future. Too often I forget that God truly is with me through all of this uncertainty. A couple days ago, I downloaded the song "Light Up the Sky" by The Afters onto my Ipod. I randomly found it and loved it because of the lyrics' relevance to my life. And late last night, I spontaneously decided to run some errands at 9 pm in the middle of a thunderstorm/ torrential downpour. When I was on my way home, this song came on (I didn't even select it). The lyrics really hit home once again. Then it got to the chorus: "Light, light, light up the sky to show me You are with me." As soon as those words had been sung, the entire sky lit up the brightest I think I've ever seen. The lightning made it look like daytime. I sat there in my little car, in my little town, in my little state, in my little country, on my little planet, amazed by the glory of God and the fact that He would choose to be with me. God gave me that lightning bolt to show me He was there. He gave me a lightning bolt at the particular moment in time that would have meant very little to me under ordinary circumstances. Now every time I see a lightning bolt, it will be a reminder of God's promise to me that He is always with me, even in my most uncertain times.

When I'm feeling all alone and so far to go/ The signs are nowhere on this road guiding me home/ When the night is closing in/ It's falling on my skin/ Oh God, will You come close/ Light, light, light up the sky to show me You are with me/ I, I, I can't deny, Oh, I can't deny that You are right here with me...

 "Light Up the Sky" by The Afters

The end is always the beginning.

I hate when things come to an end. I really do.

I was reading in my devotions today about the end of Jesus' ministry on the earth. I can't imagine being a disciple--watching Jesus leave this earth to return to His place in heaven. It must have felt like the bittersweet end to an amazing adventure. The disciples had left everything behind to follow Jesus. With Jesus, they had begun completely new lives; they had given up everything they had known. Through the years of Jesus' ministry, they saw and did spectacular, miraculous things. If I were a disciple, I'm sure I would be confused to see Jesus leaving. I would probably wonder how my life could continue without Him beside me. It's hard to transition from exciting times in our lives. Imagine transitioning from having a close bond with God...in the flesh. No wonder the disciples stood dumbfounded, staring into the sky, wondering what to do with themselves. Wouldn't you?

But what I love about God is that the end is always the beginning of something new. Jesus knew His leaving would be difficult, so even as He was ascending into Heaven, he sent two "men dressed in white" to comfort the disciples by telling them that Jesus would come back again. And God gave the disciples the Holy Spirit to empower them. God never leaves us alone. He offers us hope in all the transitions of our lives. And look what the disciples went on to do. They lived radical lives for Christ, and most of them died to glorify His name. But they wouldn't have gone on to do amazing things if they had kept staring at the sky. There is a time to move on and live out a new adventure.

Skanda and Keshav.

Skanda. Keshav. Who knew those foreign words would ever mean anything to me. Funny how empty words can all of a sudden be full of so much meaning once they become a part of your life. Skanda and Keshav are the four-year-old twin Indian boys I babysit for just a few hours a week. Even in just the few weeks I have been with them so far, I have had so many laughs. They add so much joy to my life!

The Questions They Ask & The Conversations We Have

It's so funny to me how kids use what adults say and put those phrases in such amusing contexts. The boys have Kumon writing packets that they work on first thing every day I am there, and we try to focus on getting those done before doing anything else. Of course they constantly want to talk to me while doing their work, but I always say to them, "After you finish your Kumon packets, I would love to hear what you have to say!"

So, one day Skanda asks, "After we finish Kumon, you will love to hear what we have to say?" Just picture a little kid saying what he said. And not just any kid. A four-year-old with an adorable Indian accent. This is probably one of those things in life that is only funny if you were there.

Almost every day I babysit, they ask me if I'm a teacher right now (apparently I haven't succeeded in explaining what a student teacher is) and what I'm having for dinner that night. They eat Indian food (and no meat), and they are always fascinated by what I eat. The first time they asked about dinner, I said I was having spaghetti and meatballs, and they both looked pretty grossed out. Haha! For a few nights after that, they kept assuming spaghetti and meatballs was all I ate, until I explained to them that my diet isn't restricted to just those two food items. :)

We have random conversations all the time. We've talked about everything from the composition of the sun to acne to hot air balloons to lighthouses to... Well, I could go on and on. I love when kids just love to talk about life. And these kids love to read, too. I read to them every time I am there. Conversations and reading; this job was so meant for me.

Speaking of conversations, tonight we had one that was totally unexpected. We decided to play with legos tonight, and I've been missing London (and the Tower Bridge) a lot lately, so I suggested we build a bridge. So, after a long time, we finally succeeded in making one. Then, we were thinking of some other things we could make to go somewhere near the bridge, like boats, cars, and somehow lighthouses came into that mix. They didn't know what lighthouses were, so I described the concept to them. They started talking about lighthouses they had seen, but I was pretty sure they were talking about lampposts. So, we looked outside at some lampposts across the street. Then Keshav said, "If you go to a lamppost, you'll meet a witch and a faun." I was literally shocked. I had him repeat what he had said three times, because I thought for sure I was imagining it. It turns out that their teacher had told them about The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. They knew all about Mr. Tumnus, the White Witch who made it always winter and never Christmas, and Aslan who defeated the Witch and made all the snow and ice melt away. I can't believe I discussed my favorite book series with four-year-olds today.

Other Snapshots

Skanda next to the clock he made.
It "only works when kids touch it." 

The first day that I was there, we wrote and illustrated a children's story together; it was called The Bunny Rabbit & The Carrot. I found out that the most exciting part to them was at the very end of the book-writing/ illustrating process. You see, they love using tape, and they got to tape the book together at the end. So, maybe they aren't true authors/ illustrators at heart!

Another time, we made up a song, which lead into hilarious laughter.

They get SO excited every time I come and leave! These little boys steal my heart again and again. I'm just so thankful that God gave me this job. It's fun to go to a job where I get paid to read and play with kids and laugh pretty much constantly! This job is exactly what I needed, especially this semester. And especially after my last babysitting experience! God knows exactly what we need.

Feels like I'm playing leap-blog.

Okay, so here I am fiddling with my blogs when I should be sleeping. But there is the potential for a snow day tomorrow, not that I'm banking on that or anything. No pun intended. Banking...snow, snow bank. Yeah, I'm done.

So, this is where I will be recording life as I see it from here on out. I am not able to import my Tumblr blog to this one, but I put the link to it on the side panel on the left under "Sites." I won't be doing much posting on my Tumblr account anymore--probably just audio files and websites (if even those).

I also imported a blog that I was using in 2007-8 called "Memorable Moments." Hence, all of the posts preceding this one. Well, with that said, I'm off to bed! In theory.

In-between.

Sometimes I am tempted to think that I’m living in-between, in some kind of limbo state, waiting for my life to really happen. I am a student teacher, not an actual one. I am a college student, not fully immersed in the real world (the world outside of the college bubble). I live with my parents, not on my own. I am technically in a young adult phase of my life, not fully an adult with all the responsibilities that adulthood brings. I recently moved, so I’m not really connected to a geographical area or group of people. I have not yet found a church where I can really be involved and feel part of a body. I have no romantic element in my life.

I feel like I’m waiting for a lot of things to happen in my life. They all seem so elusive, so very out of grasp. I truly believe that someday all of these things will happen, and that the timing will be perfect for each and every thing. My goal is to seize this time of my life and make it count for something. I don’t want to just wait for these things to happen and forget to find the beauty in the days I’ve been given.

Every day is a blessing and adventure.

More of an attempt.

Here I am again, a good-intentioned “blogger.” This is the beginning of my attempt to be a little more open about my life. I’m not the type of person to publicize information about myself at the drop of a hat, but I think it’s fun to share the joys, pains, and beauty of the human experience with others. I keep a blog of my own that serves as my personal journal, but I thought it would be nice to take a step further.

I’m in my student teaching semester of my senior year, so there will probably be a lot to say! So, here’s to fun times and heartfelt thoughts ahead!

Listening to fall.

~We see fall. The leaves begin to change color, reminding of us of the beauty of change and even of loss. We watch as the world grows more still.
~We touch fall. We can feel the textures of the rough, crunchy leaves, the pumpkins at the patch, and the apples at the orchard.
~We smell fall. The crisp, clean, cold air reminds us of transition. Yankee Candle bottles the fall smells in various sizes for all to enjoy.
~We can even taste fall. We can indulge in the apple and pumpkin foods, drinks, and desserts that make the season special.

But how often do we listen to fall?

Yesterday, I spent time just listening. Listening to fall. It happened accidentally, but it made me realize that I need to make it more intentional. The world seemed to stop as I sat on a street corner waiting for the kids I babysit to come home from school. I’m so glad the bus was running late. I heard the rustle of leaves as they blew across the road and from lawn to lawn. The leaves and the wind knew no boundaries. The wind had such character—it was subtle, yet powerful and unpredictable. Time seemed to stand still as I experienced such serenity. Then, I began to hear the busyness of the world. But it seemed so far away. So very, very far away. The buses, cars, and trucks—filled with people on their way to the next destination. One of those cars represents me, just on my way to the next thing, and to the next, and to the next. Drowned by busyness.

I wish my life would change. I wish the world would change. And I wish that we could all just stop and enjoy what it is right in front of us every single day.

Russia.

Last night I had a dream about almost becoming a martyr in Russia. Then at church, the pastor mentioned Russia. At lunch, one of my friends brought Russia into the discussion somehow. In my apartment, my roommate told me that her pastor mentioned Russia. Is God trying to tell me something? I kind of hope not…

The shadow of death.

"Daddy, what is death like?" asked an inquisitive little boy one day. His daddy thought for a minute and replied, "Well son, picture a truck coming towards you, its shadow alongside. Would you rather be hit by the truck or by the truck's shadow?" The little boy didn't have to think long. "The shadow," he said with confidence. "Son, that's what death is like. We were supposed to be hit by the truck, but Jesus pushed us out of way so we would only be hit by the truck's shadow." Jesus was hit full force by the truck for us, to make our death easier. When we die, it's just like a shadow passing over us."

My dad shared this touching story at my grandfather's funeral eight days ago. In that moment, something seemed to finally click in my head. Lately in my life, I've been dealing with a lot of death. The death of a good friend's sister, the deaths of three family members on my dad's side, and hearing of countless other deaths that people have had to experience. So much tragedy. Even the leaves on the trees are dying. It seems suffocating, overwhelming at times.

This story made me think about the bigger picture. Human death seems pretty small compared to the death Jesus chose. He got hit by the truck so all of mankind would only have to experience the shadow. And of course the shadow is foreboding and frightening. And it always will be. But a person who is holding God's hand as he passes through that shadow is the one who can say with confidence, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me." Such beauty in death.

This is the season of death. The leaves are dying. They are turning colors, shriveling up, falling off the trees, and are soon going to be covered in blankets of snow. But something amazing happens as they die...they nourish the ground, giving it sustenance and life. The leaves have to die because nature is preparing for a new season...one full of life and beauty and many surprises--the spring. The spring could never come if the leaves didn't die in the fall. And humans couldn't ever experience heaven if they didn't pass through the shadow of death we all have to face.

Those who have left this life are in that new season. That season of beauty and mystery and newness of life. They couldn't possibly be any happier than they are right now. This is the amazing hope we have in Christ. As the seasons pass, keep holding on to that hope of the new season. A season so glorious and beautiful that we won't even begin to understand until we get there ourselves and take it all in.

What will not change.

There's nothing like coming across a quote or poem that has so much meaning for you specifically. So here's one I found the other day, and it pretty much speaks for itself.

Perhaps you, too, have camped by such sweet waters,
And quenched with joy your weary, parched soul's thirst;
To find, as time goes on, your streamlet alters
From what it was at first.

Hearts that have cheered, or soothed, or blest, or strengthened;
Loves that have lavished unreservedly;
Joys, treasured joys--have passed, as time has lengthened,
Into obscurity.

If then, O soul, the brook your heart has cherished
Does fail you now--no more your thirst assuage--
If its once glad refreshing streams have perished,
Let HIM your heart engage.

He will not fail, nor mock, nor disappoint you;
His comfort and care change not with the years;
With oil of joy He surely will anoint you,
And wipe away your tears.

-J. Danson Smith